I’ve come to the conclusion that I have probably had anxiety most of my adult life. It has sat within the depths of my soul, most of the time just simmering away in the background while I got on with life; only to boil up every now and then just so I don’t get too complacent.
What is anxiety? What is the difference between someone with a worry and someone who has anxiety? I was diagnosed with having GAD – General Anxiety Disorder, a while back which basically put a label on something I already knew I had. Which was being generally anxious. About everything.
Anxiety sits within like a parasitic worm supping away at your positive energy, making the brain reach out seeking issues and problems that aren’t even there or haven’t happened yet. Or it exaggerates the niggles and hooks you into a bit of self-doubt. Then latches on something called catastrophising. And the next thing you know you are dialling around your friends if your son is 4 minutes late back from a bike ride. As a parent, we all get into the habit of assuming the worst-case scenarios, seeing hidden hazards or pre-empting situations that haven’t happened yet. We see dangers that didn’t exist before we had children. The levels of conscious anxiety are higher than they have ever been once you have little cherubs to worry about. Roads are full of speeding killing machines, grapes can choke, the internet is full of paedophilic predators and playgrounds are full of child snatchers. And the media can fuel this angst. For every good news story there are plenty of examples we can quote to justify our unreasonable fears. But, over time, we learn to let go, and soon your child can cross the road on his own and know how to chew his food.
However, the general feeling of unease never leaves when you have little people to worry about. Even when they become big people. Starting high school, taking exams, learning to drive, going to parties, having relationships. Every worst-case scenario of every situation is played out in my head. Luckily the thoughts rarely pass my mouth, but often a conversation that innocently starts out, ‘would I be able to go to such and such’s for a party’ fills me with fear, as I am already mentally buying baby clothes for an unplanned teen pregnancy or calculating how long it will take to get to A&E.
So back to the question, what is the difference between someone with a worry and someone who has anxiety? We all feel can feel anxious and worried when there is a legitimate reason - for example, taking an exam or a driving test, your child being away overnight for the first time or root canal treatment – all everyday ‘things’ we deal with, where we get worked up and worried. But once the unpleasant task has passed and the level subsides, you can get on with your day. Akin to being excited – the adrenaline keeps you going and works its magic to get you through.
However, having GAD takes this one step further - without an actual legitimate ‘thing’ to worry about or anything ‘important’ to dwell on - you end up getting anxious over being anxious. Over the little things. Over the big things you can’t control. The “What Ifs” and the “Bound to Happens”. The adrenaline levels rarely subside, and when this becomes the background hum to your brain, when your chest is forever tight and your throat feels as if it is being slowly squeezed and you just can’t shake it off - this is the main difference between being a bit of a worrier - and having an anxiety condition.
And that is when I have to remind myself that I have this disorder and its OK. I have been taught techniques to tap into tranquil thoughts, change the brain thought patterns. Stop that galloping racehorse just for a few moments. Note how I feel. Be still in the moment even if it’s just for a few minutes a day. Listen to the birds rather than just hear them, sup a cup of coffee and savour the moment rather than just drink the thing.
I am writing a lot of this from past drawn experience – from when my anxiety was sky high. I haven’t had any experience of depression or any other mental health disorders so can only talk about GAD. My anxiety is now simmering under at an acceptable level – OK, things do trigger it and it peaks higher on some days, forcing irrational fears, filling my soul with uneasy doom about everything, stopping me thinking straight – but on the whole, I deal with it.
I don’t think it will ever disappear completely. And you know, I don’t think I want it to, as it is part of me, and I need to be able to fire on all cylinders sometimes and think quickly in a situation. I am learning to live with it and accept it so I can draw on it when I need it.
I just have to remember that sometimes.
© The Real Tilly Fairfax
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