I cannot speak from a male point of view as I am not male. I cannot speak from a lifetime of experience as I am not quite finished living yet and do not have the qualifications to see the whole picture. I cannot comment from a youngster’s point of view as I can’t seem to download the app and upload the data. I cannot speak from the point of view of someone who hasn’t had children or someone who is not in a relationship, as I tick both of those boxes. And I cannot talk about my experiences as someone in a same-sex relationship as I am a she and my husband is a he. Or was the last time I looked. The views I can express though, are those of a fifty-something married working mother of two, - slightly off-kilter, caught up in the cycle of life, juggling all of the balls, trying to balance the books, keeping everyone appeased and taking it on the chin for the good of humanity.
Forgive the sweeping generalisation, but on the whole within a heterosexual partnership especially when children are involved – the likelihood is the job of main carer will fall down to the mother. Yes, there are obvious exceptions to the rule, but regardless of whether both parents are working, or not working, or both equally contribute towards the physical part of parenting – it still mainly falls to the women to take on the emotional and mental role. On the whole it appears that we, particularly within the context of a ‘family’ (and extended family as according to my own mum, you don’t turn off when your kids leave home), have all become CEOs (Chief Emotional Officers). We are the glue that holds everyone else’s emotions in check, the cement that keeps the wall from tumbling. We are huge sponges absorbing everyone else’s angst, anger, happiness, sadness, fears and hormones, and whether we do this subconsciously or consciously, we seem to mop up everyone else’s emotions but never get a chance to wring them all out, carrying the weight with us, until sometimes we crack.
We absorb our children’s trepidation as they take their steps into the big, wide world. We carry their fears and guide them through their very first day at school, bandaging sore knees when they trip up and mopping up the mess when they fall out with friends. We lift their worry off their shoulders as they offload what bothers them onto ours. We ride out their vast array of emotions with them as they face life’s challenges, listen to complaints about homework and unfairness of exams. We wipe their tears when they get frustrated, dampen their anger when riled and give out the hugs when they get it all a bit wrong. We swell with pride when they conquer goals and achieve their dreams and offer comfort when they fail at a hurdle. Their emotions become us. We fret for them, so they don’t have to. We absorb them, carry them. We soften the blow.
And it is not just our children’s emotions we hold within. We absorb our partner’s too. We ride their rollercoaster of stress as they make work decisions, career moves or face redundancy. We listen and take it on board, soothe their furrowed brows and worry about their mental state when the whole world appears to weigh so very heavily on their shoulders. They offload and we are all ears and - when they finally get some sleep - we lie in bed, wide awake with worry as we try and soak up their sorrow. We also fret about our parent’s health and our relationships with our siblings, nieces and nephews. We worry about close friends, process bad and sad news but keep calm and carry on for the sake of stability. We are like sieves, filtering out the really big stuff before it needs to be added to the mix. We do all that whilst holding down our own jobs and still remember to send birthday cards on time.
Some women are doing all of this on their own. Some women are carrying even more baggage, trying to protect their children from abusive relationships that they cannot or will not leave. Some are carrying their own inner turmoil and cannot share the burden, either because they won’t or can’t talk to anyone about it. And if they do confide, the people they talk to are other women, who in turn gladly absorb their woes and add it to their own overloaded emotional sack. Throw in the isolation of lockdown, home-schooling, a world pandemic and concern over climate change, it is not surprising that some of us break.
Women are fantastic at carrying everyone, but often forget how to look after number one. We’re afraid we have no room to tackle any of own personal emotional needs as we are saturated with everyone else’s, so we don’t try to. We just keep on marching onwards telling everyone ‘it’s fine’ taking for granted we are strong enough; while we convince ourselves we can cope, as our backs ache, our anxiety rises, and wrinkles deepen. But we aren’t invincible – not quite anyway. It’s not always fine and that is OK too. We have to give ourselves some self-love, self-care, self-appreciation and a bit of TLC otherwise we are going to snap and collapse into a tearful heap - and then it’ll all get blamed on hormones.
We should give ourselves a pat on the back at the amazing job we are doing, and also remind ourselves that although the job of a CEO is a super important one, even CEOs are allowed days off. Off-load those emotions. Wring out the sponge.
As without you, the whole wall will just crumble.
© The Real Tilly Fairfax
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